Sleeping Beauty
by Riri
Summary: Updated 8/18/13, part VII. All chapters edited and reuploaded, only ch. 3 was significantly changed and summarized in notes of chapter VII. Parody of Sleeping Beauty, with XXXHOLiC characters. Future DouWata. ClowYuuko. Pure crack, you have been forewarned.
1. Once upon a time in Holic

Warning: T rating for boy love, bad language and mention of mature themes.

I: Once upon a time in Holic

Once upon a time, in the beautiful, prosperous and magical kingdom of Holic, there lived the wise and friendly but very mischievous King Clow and his equally wise in a more frightening manner, slightly insane, alcoholic, opium-high Queen Yuuko.

They were often bickering and arguing over the smallest things, but they loved each other very much, even if Yuuko tried to … that one time and Clow decided to … as revenge. Although they didn't look like it, they had each other's best interests at heart, and if they decided to exploit each other's weaknesses and take advantage of the situation while they were at it, then who was to argue?

As much as they loved each other, they also loved Holic. So they were very upset when they could not conceive a child. They had plenty of servants, friends, travelers and customers to care for, so there was always company and chaos, but what they _really_ wanted was a family.

The people of Holic loved their rulers and everyone in the kingdom knew the pair wanted children and many offered to conceive, bear and give birth for them. Yet the king and queen declined.

Much more fun and sex when we're trying ourselves, said the queen.

I want a successor with special abilities and magic like us to continue ruling over Holic fairly and wisely when we are gone, said the king.

What do you mean _gone_? screeched the queen, and off they went into another argument, in the middle of their proclamation.

Though the king and queen were powerful, they could not see into their futures, because of a curse an evil fairy had placed upon them. So they were very worried indeed.


	2. April

II: April

The king and queen were very upset that they were not able to conceive a child. They grew anxious, then dejected. There was a very dismal atmosphere in the castle. They became so depressed, they nearly gave up hope. They could not even manage the spirit to argue with each other. The kingdom shared in their distress.

That July when Queen Yuuko announced that she was pregnant, their people rejoiced with them. At last the gloomy spirits of the two monarchs lifted. They returned to their usual bickering, mainly about how Yuuko's drinking and smoking tendencies were bad for the baby (Clow won those arguments), and choosing names for the baby.

The baby was due sometime early April. Since they were very certain it was a girl, they had decided that they would name the child Sakura, after the blooming cherry trees.

The king and queen scheduled a celebration to be held sometime after the princess's birth and invited all their friends, travelers, customers and subjects. They decided to leave no room for mistakes as this was their heir and could possibly be their only heir.

While all this was happening, the evil fairy who placed the curse on the king and queen observed the festivities from far away.


	3. Quiet

III: Quiet

In another kingdom called Hanshin, King Sorata and Queen Arashi were celebrating the birth of their child, the Crown Prince Shizuka.

Appropriately named, no one was surprised that the little prince was as quiet as his mother. Queen Arashi had always been a quiet, stern woman, just as her husband was quite the opposite - warm, loud, friendly. But they were a perfect match.

They invited their close friends, including Clow and Yuuko, and two fairies, Hisui and Kokuyo, who graciously accepted the request to be the little prince's godparents and granted the prince two gifts.

"Little Shizuka, I shall give the gift of perfect sight. May your every mark be true," pronounced Hisui, a great archer.

"And I will give the gift of good looks."

Now there goes a shallow man, err, fairy. But 'tis a necessary thing, for attraction purposes… Still, Hisui insisted he change the gift to something useful. After all, Sorata and Arashi were pretty attractive people in their own right; no doubt their son would be equally handsome.

"Fine, I give the gift of good-_ness_. Happy, Hisui?"

That chilly winter night, the king and queen of Holic met with the king and queen of Hanshin to discuss marriage arrangements. After some time, they came to a decision: the heirs of Holic and Hanshin will be wed when the heir of Holic came of age.


	4. Fairies

IV: Fairies

Now, everyone in both kingdoms knew of the marriage arrangement two days after it had been settled. The rumor mills were hard at work and gossip was rampant. Some agreed with the King and Queen; it would be politically and militarily advantageous and secure the line of succession. Others disagreed, thinking it would create more problems. But in any case it was set in stone, legally speaking.

In addition to the entire kingdom, Queen Yuuko also decided to invite the kingdom's fairies, who came from all over to attend the princess's birth celebration.

Soel and Larg Mokona, better known as White and Black Mokona, respectively, acted no better than little children, yet they were the eldest of the twelve. They lived with the king and queen in their castle. They were cheerful and friendly to everyone they met but they were especially attached to Sakura, Tomoyo and Kurogane (to whom they showed their affections by teasing and being extra annoying). No one knew their genders, except maybe the king and queen.

Kurogane, Tomoyo and Souma were from Nihon, a quaint traditional town not too far from the capital city. Tomoyo was actually a duchess, though no one was entirely sure whether she was related to Clow or Yuuko. Kurogane and Souma were her faithful companions and once-upon-a-time bodyguards. Fai and Chii lived in Seresu, a city to the far North, where it was very cold and snowed all the time. Syaoran and his father, Fujitaka, were nomadic, but at the moment, they were living in the province of Kuroo. The Mokonas, Fai and Tomoyo constantly irritated Kurogane. They were too happy, too hyper to be normal, and something about Tomoyo's evil laugh set off his internal alarms…

Sakura, Touya, her older brother, and Yukito, his best friend, came from the province of Kuroo. Kuroo was a lovely desert province, very hot, full of sun and sand and too little water. Sakura and Tomoyo were best friends and it was no secret that Syaoran and Sakura liked each other. The two siblings often fought, especially over the issue of dating Syaoran.

All in all, they were a crazy lot when all of them got together and it was crazy of Queen Yuuko to have invited all of them. But then again, Yuuko was pretty crazy herself, Clow pointed out. To this Yuuko had only one thing to show Clow: her Extra Hurtful Clow Punch™, created just for those special Clow moments.


	5. Flashback

V: Flashback

A long, long time ago King Clow was single. Many wanted to marry him since he was powerful, kind, rich, and friendly-all wonderful traits in a husband. During that time, Madoushi was a fairy from another land and the other fairies weren't born yet. She and Clow met briefly a few times and each time she grew more and more enamored with him. Clow considered her his good friend and sought her advice later when he was working on the Mokona Project.

Clow met Yuuko while he was working on the Mokona Project. Yuuko, a powerful witch, offered her assistance at a price, and together they created the Mokonas. They considered their relationship purely business. They did not get along at all, to the point one might say they hated each other.

Of course, we know that hate turned into love. One late summer night, Clow proposed to Yuuko while they were sipping sake together in Yuuko's odd house, enjoying the full moon. It was a romantic moment, broken only when Yuuko's snore escaped her lips.

The next morning, Yuuko was trying to get rid of her pounding hang-over, when Clow casually passed her the hang-over medicine and popped the question (again). This time Yuuko said yes. Ah, if only Clow knew Yuuko had foreseen that romantic moment and decided to get drunk and fall asleep on purpose. Then again, he might have; Yuuko was infuriating like that. They both were.

Madoushi had gone to Clow's house to confess her love. She was redirected to Yuuko's house by Clow's housekeeper, Yue, and had masked her aura and witnessed both the romantic proposal and the morning after in silence. After Yuuko accepted, Madoushi returned to her home, wetness blurring her vision. She cursed the blinding rain; did it not have any regard for her sadness? She was trying to cry, damn it!

Madoushi broke down sobbing. Didn't Clow realize she was so in love with him? Didn't he know she was in love with him ever since she met him? How could he do this to her? She was hurt, angry and heartbroken. So she did the only thing she could do: she cursed the pair, at the cost of her life. To limit their magic so they could not see the future, among other things, she gave up her mortal life.

But Madoushi's thirst for vengeance was not quenched.


	6. Girls just wanna have Fun

VI: Girls just wanna have Fun

Thirteen fairies were invited for the princess's birth celebration. Now, you may ask, why are there 13 fairies, when Madoushi died (see part V) and there were only 12 fairies mentioned in part IV? Madoushi, the poor scorned woman, did die, but her spirit lived on. So even though she was only a vengeful spirit, she was still capable of performing magic and was still considered a fairy. Since Clow was a forgive-and-forget kind of person, he invited her to his daughter's birth celebration. Conveniently for Madoushi, he and Yuuko couldn't see the future anymore. Excellent conditions for exacting revenge.

The much-awaited day was approaching. All over the kingdom of Holic, everyone was anxious and excited. Then, on April 1st, a child was born, not a girl but a boy.

Panic erupted in the palace. Some cursed Madoushi for the foresight impediment. What should they do?

Clow and Yuuko shared a deep, long look and then proceeded to burst out in laughter. Oh, what a twist of fate! Thankfully, Yuuko was just the kind of woman to subject her own child to what she had in store... The king and queen then swore their people into secrecy. No one, especially not the monarchs of the Hanshin kingdom, must know the little princess was actually a little prince.

And the reason they gave for doing all this?

All the arrangements for the celebration were set, the marriage contract couldn't be broken, the baby room was already decorated (in various shades of pink and cream), everyone was expecting a girl anyway, and they were too lazy to change everything _now_. Besides, it'll be interesting!

The servants shivered at Yuuko's laughter. They pitied the poor prince.


	7. Cursed

Notes: Super sorry for the extremely years-late update, but I decided to start writing again and thought I might as well finish my old stories. I'll try to update more regularly but I promise I will complete it! A million apologies and thanks for all the feedback, reviews, follows and favorites! You guys are the best!

All chapters have been edited and reuploaded, and only chapter 3 was significantly changed. (Sorry if I spammed your inbox...) If you're too lazy to go back, I made Hisui and Kokuyo (yeah, I realized I misspelt his name) give Doumeki good aim and "goodness", to line up with his canon abilities more. More on his "goodness" to follow. These chapters will get longer but premise is still the same. My writing has matured, guys. I swear.

Completely in the crack and making stuff up territory, since I started writing this story before things like, oh I don't know, CLAMP revealed who Watanuki's real parents are and who Doumeki married. I did try to incorporate as much canon as I could while keeping to my original set-up.

"Princess" is used as a title here and not indicative or restricted to one particular gender.

About Japanese names, in Japanese it would be logical to change Watanuki's name to Hiroko (the kanji for 'Kimi' in Kimihiro is indicative of the male gender) but that sounds too dissimilar in English so I decided to just add -ko at the end (which is how one could typically feminize a name in Japanese) and be done with it.

* * *

VII: Cursed

Fifteen years later, the princess of Holic was pouting in the gardens. Nearby, the prince of Hanshin, Shizuka, was munching on some rice balls while listening to Himawari, the princess's best friend and secret-but-not-really crush. (Honestly, it was the second worst kept secret in Holic; the only thing secret about it was how the princess didn't know that everyone else knew.) The princess hated Shizuka, his stupid expressionless face, his sarcastic teasing, his bottomless pit of a stomach, his increasingly outrageous homemade lunch demands (those were for Himawari, bastard!), and his constant presence, especially around Himawari! But most of all, she hated their marriage contract and how she _had_ to marry him. For the good of the kingdom and other unselfish things. Even though _she_ was really a _he_.

Now, and you _had_ to see this coming, the very worst kept secret in Holic was that the princess of Holic was really a prince. Princess Kimihiroko should have been Prince Kimihiro, but because of the marriage contract between Holic and Hanshin, the prince was named Kimihiroko and raised as a girl. Sometimes even Kimihiroko forgot he was a boy and mixed up all her pronouns. He was a boy, dammit! For all the good it did him, he silently cursed his parents every day of his life. (This, his parents assumed was a given and adequately armed themselves with good luck charms and Mokonas.)

In truth, the marriage contract was only part of the reason Kimihiroko was raised a girl. The other was the Curse. It happened on his birth celebration.

Shortly after the birth of their child, Clow and Yuuko threw a big party in their castle and invited everybody: friends, family, random strangers, customers, fairies, good and bad. They presented "Princess Kimihiroko" to whole kingdom. (They had wasted many days arguing over what name to give him, Yuuko wanted to name him "Sakura" like they planned. Clow had thought it over and decided to give the boy a break two Sakuras were confusing and tried to convince Yuuko that Kimihiroko was more original. Yuuko gave in after Clow tricked the Mokonas into calling the baby Kimihiroko who responded to it.)

The 12 fairies came forward and blessed the baby boy, unknowingly bestowing gifts to him that were usually gifted to a girl, like long eyelashes and the ability to balance a household budget on a small and tight economy. (If you wonder why the gifts seem so trivial and plain, well, magic is tricky, don't cha know, and things like superhero powers don't work as well for babies as they do adults. Luckily, Clow had managed to convince them somehow not to gift large breasts, to Kimihiroko's everlasting gratitude. Yuuko was suspiciously silent on the matter.) The Mokonas were the last to bless the princess; first Black Mokona gifted him with a bowl of ramen (what? It was really good ramen. And blessed. And lucky. But mostly delicious.), while White Mokona whispered in his little ear the answer to life the universe and everything (admittedly wasted on him because little babies don't know what a 42 is, silly).

Then Madoushi stepped forward with extreme prejudice and ghostly menace. Her voice boomed out in the hall, "To the little princess, I bring a gift and it is this; on your sixteenth birthday, you will prick your finger on a spindle and die!" And with the last remaining magic in her being, she cast the curse and vanished.

The hall erupted with noise. Clow and Yuuko were stunned. Kurogane roared for everyone's attention. They quieted and looked at him. "Look, we'll just give her some new gifts to fix it," Kurogane growled. Everyone murmured, some in relief, some in disbelief.

White Mokona piped up and summed everyone's thoughts on the matter, "Wow, Kuro-pyon, that was actually smart!"

"WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!" Kurogane bellowed. Fai, who could not resist teasing the stoic and surly Kurogane of course, chimed in his agreement and the room devolved into chaos once again.

Clow and Yuuko however were deep in conversation, comprising entirely of stares. It went something like this:

Did she say what I think she said? Clow's left eyebrow raised.

Yeah, she did, Yuuko's lips quirked.

Well, everything's worked out rather well, Clow's nose twitched.

Oh, _goodie_, Yuuko's eye gleamed with unholy glee. Clow gave a quick, silent and rather futile apology to his son for his crazy mother.

What Clow and Yuuko meant with their silent exchange was that the curse seemed to be _gender_-specific…

Meanwhile, the fairies were bickering over what new gifts to give. "If you change the item from spindle to…." "But then Madoushi could change it so all she has to do is spill a little blood and die…" "Then we'll make her skin unbreakable!" "NO!" "What a horrible idea!" "We could change it from death to sleep…" "Well, she wouldn't die, but that'd still be a damn shame to lose an heir to eternal slumber…" "Maybe we could make the princess's betrothed wake her…" "Oh, true love's kiss _always_ works…" Which got nods all around.

So they pronounced, "Kimihiroko, when you prick your finger, you won't die, but you will fall into a deep sleep, from which you will wake with a kiss from your—"

"—Prince Shizuka," interjected Yuuko with a cackle.

"From Prince Shizuka of Hanshin," the fairies agreed. Clow sighed. It was all rather helpless. And just when things were looking up for his son.

* * *

Final author's note: Yeah, I lied, it's still crack-erific.


End file.
